i want to be free

i really miss my friends.from my primary school, from my secondary school, and then from my college..hmm..oh i really miss them so much.i envy those of my friends who can attend all the gatherings which had been planned.i wish i could come too.i envy those who study in malaysia cause they can plan to hold a slumber party together at someone's place and chit chat all night long.i envy those who study abroad and still can spend some times of their  holiday to meet up their friends and updating about the latest gossip among them.i miss those time.


i hate to think or assume that i'm living my life in a very undeniably dull way.such a monotonous life can kill the inner me somehow,someday.who knows?they don't brag about their life and i don't exaggerate mine.so what's with this feeling.is there something that i miss?did i choose the wrong path?it's not regretting,at least i realise that.it's just i haven't live the life that i've been wanting to.it's always been for the sake of people around me.and i'm bound to repay all the kindness with all my life.nothing else matters cause nobody cares what i really want in my life.


if they ever asked me,will they ever allow me to do in my own way?well, the answer is obviously no.i'm different from others.i can't be such a carefree girl since i know what the word "world" means.i can't be a woman who is free to speaks her mind.literally,i know i'm not what i want to be.i always be a parents' daughter, brothers' little sister, little brother and sister's big sister.always be a friend's friend.i'm practically responsible towards them.fine.i get it.but can't i have my own personal time?my very own life?can i?is that too much to ask?


it always looks like the world revolves around me,but it never is.cause i never feel included all this while.what i did is always for them.i realise that i never do something for myself.yes,i did a couple of things to indulge myself just to comfort my heart, but they always disapprove my doings.what did i do that i cause so much disapproval?can they at least try to think to be in my shoes?don't make me suffer cause i already do.


i hate myself cause i can't say things just because i don't want to hurt anybody's feeling.but no one cares about mine.i am mean and selfish.so do the other people. so why should i be so attentive and careful when to spit out words in my head?because i love them.i love people around me.but please don't cross the line.cause i have my limit too.please try to understand my feelings.i don't need people to look out for me 24/7 but at least acknowledge me for my presence in this world.someone who has her own predicament to overcome.


i give my all but what i get in return?well,i'm thankful to Allah that always give me the strength to carry on.at least be a grateful devotee to her Creator can assure me to attain a piece of ultimate serenity.the least i can do to keep my sanity in check is to believe that someday i'll be doing every single little thing in my life in my own way-peace &  love-