untitled

saya budak nakal. :(

tika tersungkur menyembah bumi

resah dalam hati yang terpendam..

kosongnya jiwa yang terasa..

kembalikan aku kepada aku yang dulu!

menangis lagi

kembalikan aku
ke hidupku yang dulu
saat aku gagah melangkah
saat aku tegar menahan asakan dunia
kembalikan aku
ke hidupku yang dulu


tika hatiku luluh diampuh rindu
tika sukmaku menangis sendu
kaki tak henti berlari laju
jauh..jauh dari tikaman kata
kata orang yang hanya mencipta dusta
apa pastikah mereka 
akhir nanti dibalas syurga?


biarkan aku dengan duniaku
tiada yang mencari
tiada yang memanggil
bukan aku tak mahu
tapi kamu yang sembunyi
tapi kamu yang berjauh diri


hina aku 
dosa aku
engkau masih di situ
buat tak tahu


hulur tangan,pimpin daku
tak pernah kau begitu..


ahhh~biarkan mereka dengan dunia mereka..
wahai hati..bersabarlah..
semoga kau kembali kuat untuk kembali ke Rabbi mu..






2.40 petang, Bandung,Indonesia.
Siti Khadijah MK.

ramadanku

diam..
bisu..
kelu..


tenggelam dalam dilema
kembara mencari
ada apa di situ?
segala terlihat enigma


suara langit yang mengguntur
bingit gegendangku
gerun rasa buat jantungku berlari laju
entah ke laut mana hilangnya
ada pesan dari langit 
biar ingat siapa diriku
cuma hamba 


tenang..hatiku memujuk
tak apa..bicara lidahmu
aku belum siaga
Izrail pasti mencari
maut tak kan menanti
kecut jiwaku acapkali


tuntun hatiku Maha Satu..
usai sembahku doaku padaMu
ampunkan daku..
ampunkan daku..
ampunkan daku..










7.49 pagi, Jatinangor, Bandung.
Siti Khadijah Mustapha Kamal.

akhirnya

penantian dah berakhir.

akhirnya esok boleh pergi bercuti dengan hati yang tenang.

semoga semua berjalan lancar.semoga Allah melindungi kami dari segala gangguan dan niat jahat manusia dan syaitan di sekeliling.

semoga semua skru2 pada extreme games kat dufan tu dah diservis dan ketat,supaya aku selamat naik dan turun bendalah tu semua tanpa mengalami sebarang kecederaan fizikal dan mental.

hahaha.

boleh tak?

boleh tak nak pergi jalan2 tanpa perlu risau apa2?

hari-hari begini

something's wrong.here and there.need to fix them.soon.saggy feeling like this always ruin my day.it's absolutely uncomfortable to spend your time like this.i mean like,it seems like i keep on nagging over life.i've been namby-pamby over small problems kan?what's the matter?kasi la chance i nak tenang sekejap.boleh la i post happy and merry entries here.huhu.ingat nak breakfast lontong kat gerbang,tapi tak jadi.so i think i just stick to my digestive biscuits.later gonna cook something for lunch.i still have cadbury and master potato to munch on if i'm still having the munchies.neuro paper is done.next gonna be the endocrine system.yeah~i'm not gonna give up on what i've been fighting for.*sing:when you fall get up oh oh,if you fall get up eh eh~* =)




p/s:not gonna lose!

misconception

annoying people makes me want to puke!

bluuueerrgghh~

perasan gila kau!

bak kata kak nawal

HAHAHAhabislaakubahankausampaibilabila

lho bukan tipe gue sampai kapan pun

rindu

rindu

p/s:aku tidak betah melayani perasaanku saat ini 

i want to be free

i really miss my friends.from my primary school, from my secondary school, and then from my college..hmm..oh i really miss them so much.i envy those of my friends who can attend all the gatherings which had been planned.i wish i could come too.i envy those who study in malaysia cause they can plan to hold a slumber party together at someone's place and chit chat all night long.i envy those who study abroad and still can spend some times of their  holiday to meet up their friends and updating about the latest gossip among them.i miss those time.


i hate to think or assume that i'm living my life in a very undeniably dull way.such a monotonous life can kill the inner me somehow,someday.who knows?they don't brag about their life and i don't exaggerate mine.so what's with this feeling.is there something that i miss?did i choose the wrong path?it's not regretting,at least i realise that.it's just i haven't live the life that i've been wanting to.it's always been for the sake of people around me.and i'm bound to repay all the kindness with all my life.nothing else matters cause nobody cares what i really want in my life.


if they ever asked me,will they ever allow me to do in my own way?well, the answer is obviously no.i'm different from others.i can't be such a carefree girl since i know what the word "world" means.i can't be a woman who is free to speaks her mind.literally,i know i'm not what i want to be.i always be a parents' daughter, brothers' little sister, little brother and sister's big sister.always be a friend's friend.i'm practically responsible towards them.fine.i get it.but can't i have my own personal time?my very own life?can i?is that too much to ask?


it always looks like the world revolves around me,but it never is.cause i never feel included all this while.what i did is always for them.i realise that i never do something for myself.yes,i did a couple of things to indulge myself just to comfort my heart, but they always disapprove my doings.what did i do that i cause so much disapproval?can they at least try to think to be in my shoes?don't make me suffer cause i already do.


i hate myself cause i can't say things just because i don't want to hurt anybody's feeling.but no one cares about mine.i am mean and selfish.so do the other people. so why should i be so attentive and careful when to spit out words in my head?because i love them.i love people around me.but please don't cross the line.cause i have my limit too.please try to understand my feelings.i don't need people to look out for me 24/7 but at least acknowledge me for my presence in this world.someone who has her own predicament to overcome.


i give my all but what i get in return?well,i'm thankful to Allah that always give me the strength to carry on.at least be a grateful devotee to her Creator can assure me to attain a piece of ultimate serenity.the least i can do to keep my sanity in check is to believe that someday i'll be doing every single little thing in my life in my own way-peace &  love-

i don't want to mind other business

seriously,you hurt me before.i tend to not forgetting what you've done.but i think i really have to let go cause you are my friend.the only way for me not to try finding your faults and flaws is by minding my own business.and by doing that, i'm protected from your cynical words and your sneer can be hindered.you're happy.i'm happy.guess it's better that way.don't worry, we might have our hang-out-time sometimes you know..=) i'm sorry for all my wrong doings that might hurt your feelings too,i'm not a very good friend.i'm so sorry.let's 0-0 ok?peace & love~

jangan buat saya sedih

please don't make me hoping high to the moon cause the stars are too far for my hand to reach too.promise me nothing if you don't have intention to cherish me.no matter what, i'll be holding to your promise.just please don't break it, cause i don't want to think that i've been betrayed by the person i believe in most.

bila saya pakai celana..

sometimes i don’t think i live my life as i should.i always hold back.always hesitate to act.never have the gut to live my world.my very own world that i’ve created so long ago.never crossed the line. wait. i can’t say that cause i’ve crossed wayyyyy from the line that should NEVER be reached in the first place.i guess at least i did something in the past.a mistake to be precise.well,we learn from mistakes right?but when mistakes could give you pleasure, it has become some kind of drug cause you’ve become addicted to it.and each person has their own drug that they have to fight off the fatal crave to have it once more.and i have mine.my very own personal drug.and yet,i’m fighting the urge to indulge myself.i don’t want to live in that kind of life.drowned in my own hallucination of eternal heaven.it sounds more like a doom for me.i mean the real me.

i know that i’m always different from the others.from my siblings.my friends.my clique.always.and somehow i know that i’m trying very hard to be like someone else.someone that is “normal”.i can’t describe here with my own words in what term “normal” can be.cause everytime i tried to be “normal”,i would end up feeling in a massacre.despite that, i usually make myself believe that it’s ok to be me.there’s no need for me to be somebody else.cause nobody’s perfect. and i cannot be someone else because nobody can be me.

i am so having a chronic major inferior complex.haha.what a crap.i guess i have to learn to give a go whenever i feel like i want to do something.nobody can stop me.it’s not like i want to rob Swiss Bank or something, so why should i be hesitant to taste a few drop of adrenaline in my vessel?when i’ve become older and look back,i don’t have to be ashamed of living such a dull life and die in boredom.bluergh~ such a creepy thought to think.. 

i crave for adrenaline rush.i don’t want to be afraid.i wish to get rid of this cowardice in me.i hope for NO regret in my dear life.so please spare me.cause it’s just difficult for me to search the life that i’ve always dreamt.i guess human never get satisfied with whatever they have huh?well,at least i’m very grateful to HIM,The Almighty for letting me to breathe the air,to see the world and to learn from life that He has bestowed me.so let’s hit the ground cause the time glass will never be turned back..=)

i wish to have the ultimate kind of adrenaline rush like this one 

p/s: i just copy & paste from my tumblr.

it's originally my work anyhow. =)

it's better like the way it is

to understand everything is to forgive everything -Buddha

tout comprendre est tout pardonner. french sounds more catchy. haha!hmm..it's a good quote actually. ok. i know my exam is knocking my door, waiting for me to open it.ohh i just want to say this thing while it's still in my system. i came across this quote in tumblr. and i kind of..making myself to think of it.behind the words, thousands of meanings hidden.i know it's just a simple,straight-forward quote. and yet still, wars here and there and everywhere in this world. it goes to me too. i hold grudge on things people did to me.i don't care who they are. if u messed up with me, you should never show yourself in front of me.never.again.


actually to think of it, this quote has the same meaning with rukun iman keenam iaitu percaya qada' dan qadarNya. or in simpler words, ada hikmah di sebalik setiap kejadian. when something happened, a very bad thing like we lost our child, or someone had broken into our house.we tend to be angry, mad and furious. sometimes we even blame Him.why did He chose you.why not someone else?we never understand why this thing happened. this is when we have to remember that the incidence because of something. there's must be a reason behind it.something good for us. then comes the quote : to understand everything is to forgive everything. let it go and forgive those who made us mad.

i just watched my name is khan last wednesday. well, as i stated before, you have to forgive everything before you understand. the same goes to mandira (kajol).she had to let go his dead son to achieve her own happiness with rizvan (shah rukh khan).she had to forgive him cause it's not his fault.hmm...however my friends,i realised that i just can't apply this in my very own life in some particular matters. because they hurt me so much that i could barely believe that i could be happy once more.it felt like i had been cursed or something. what a silly thought.well you see,i felt like it was a recurrent trauma because same things keep on happening to me over and over again.sometimes back then i even thought that i was bringing bad, and very bad luck to people around me that i tried to shunt myself away.huhu.. 


but i still believe in qada' and qadar.i know and i assure that i realise lots of things that happened to me and the reasons.i realise how i am changing now.even though there were some tough times that nobody would imagine happened to me, and there they were.standing behind my back and beside me holding my hands to reassure me everything's gonna be alright.that it's ok if i did this and that.i am a bad and naughty girl..(i CAN'T say i was a bad and naughty girl cause i'm not very sure if i've been good enough.) thank you for lending your ears to listen to me.thank you for lending your shoulder for me to cry on.thank you for lending hands that holding mine tightly and giving me strength to face the world.thanks for all the hugs that had soothed my heart.thanks for everything to everyone.i AM trying to change.so please bear with me a little longer.and thanks for that too.i can't repay for all the kindness that had been done to me.


for those who hurt me before, or hurting me right this moment, or will hurt me later (which we'll never know), whether i'll forgive you but i'll never forget or i'll forget but will never forgive you.it's either one.i'm sorry not to  be able to forgive and forget because my memories are filled with unpleasant experiences since childhood. and you just made my life worse by hurting me.so..NO i can't change this side of me.or i'll be hurting myself and the people i love.i am happy this way.and it's the best path that i ever chose.i know i will never regret this whenever i look back.=)

p/s: if to understand everything,i have to forgive everything

then i choose NOT to understand anything.. =)

there's always a rainbow after the rain

gosh..i wish i could turn back time.but that would never happen indeed..hey,life has to go on.embrace yourself lola,and bring it on!

andai kau tahu

takut..takut apa?takut hilang mereka.tapi kenapa?kerana mereka percaya.percaya siapa?percayakan aku.jadi apa masalahnya?

dalam hidup ni, pernah tak korang rasa tak berdaya?rasa tak mampu, rasa terpaksa? rasa terjerat dan terikat hingga menghambat diri, mengeheret kaki akhirnya membunuh rasa dan melawan hati sendiri.otak berbicara, hati berpuisi,bibir mengungkap kata.tapi yang tersirat masih di situ.berat,mampat,padat dan tumpat. tak terluah resah, tak terlepas beban, tertutup semua pintu kehidupan hanya kerana mata mereka memandang,mulut mereka yang meludah..tapi bukan bahu mereka yang menanggung..

percaya?maaf kurobek kepercayaanmu..yakin?maaf ku paling dari keyakinanmu..sayang? ya,aku tahu itu kerana aku juga punya rasa itu terhadapmu..tapi ampuni aku..aku insan lemah..hambaNya yang masih mencari  kudus sinarNya..andai kau tahu hatiku,teman..andai kau tahu rasaku,sahabat..aku tidak mahu kehilanganmu..

biar dosa itu kugalas..biar khilaf itu kupikul..aku takkan pernah menuding jari hanya untuk melepas diri.tidak sekali.dan bukan kali ini.kerana aku tahu salah itu milik aku.silap itu punya aku.biar aku yang menjunjung beratnya..tapi aku tidak sanggup kehilangan kamu..tahukah kamu akan itu?andai kata demi tali ukhuwah ini harus kusembunyikan hakikat sebenarnya,akan kuteruskan.kerana sesungguhnya aku tidak sanggup kehilanganmu..

bukan niatku menjauh, bukan inginku menghindar..tapi hanya kerana aku gentar kehilangan kamu.takut itu menghukum aku,biar aku jauh darimu,biar aku sendiri di situ.mungkin madahku buat kau bingung,buat kau pusing..tapi hanya ini yang bisa terluah.hanya secebis ini boleh lidahku lontar..

hmm...pnat da ckp bhs puisi nih..aku da lame x berpuitis cani..haih..layan jela kn..tp pe yg aku rase right at dis moment..tu la die..too much secrecy kn?can't leave u guys any clue..nnt ilang la enigma die..haha~it's late already mate aku ni da start nk ptosis da..isk3..spt yg djanjikan,sptutnye ni jd 1st post aku..tp x ksah la nk kire ni 1st post ke x..huhu..yg pntg aku menaip..haha!k la..till cursor clicks at new post button~

p/s: if i betrayed ur trust,r u gonna leave me my FRIENDS???