Lari

Masa..
Cepat kau berlari
Meninggalkan aku
Tak toleh lagi
Jauh kau pergi

Waktu..
Lekas kau berlalu
Tak kuat aku mengejar
Lutut kaki bergetar
Lesu langkah mencarimu

Aku tahu..
Kau takkan kembali
Kedut mukaku tak tegang lagi
Kudrat empat kerat hari ini
Tak segagah semalam, sewaja besi

Lantas..
Pinjamkan aku
Sedikit sisa detikmu
Biar sempat aku berteleku
Memanjat doa
Memohon ampun dariMu..

ikhlaskanlah wahai siti khadijah..

Hi..i'm in need of scribbling something.in need of a little ranting and raving about..

IKHLAS.

tampak kecil. terdengar mudah. dipandang remeh.

tak dianggap.

senang kita nak sebut,

"kau ikhlaskan je duit yang dah hilang tu..tak ada rezeki.."

"saya ikhlas nak kawan dengan awak..saya sungguh-sungguh ikhlas ni.."

tapi ikhlaskah kamu?ikhlaskah dia?orang cakap ikhlas ni tak perlu beritahu, kalau sibuk dikhabar, dicanang,itu tak ikhlas.betul ke?kalau macam tu, macam mana nak tahu orang tu ikhlas atau tidak? boleh..daripada perbuatan dia je,kita boleh nampak..tapi adakah sejernih itu niat orang yang bisa kita baca?

dan,

macam mana nak ikhlaskan hati kita untuk sesuatu yang memang hati kita tahu, tak boleh nak lepaskan, tak boleh nak fahamkan akal fikiran kita yang sesuatu itu, bukan untuk kita, tapi sesungguhnya hak yang tercipta itu seharusnya diberikan pada kita?

tidak redhakah aku atas takdirNya?derhakakah aku pada Sang Pencipta dengan qada' dan qadarnya?Jahanamkah pengakhiranku nanti?

i'm so confused. i know i'm a good girl. ok. i'm trying to be one. trying very hard, indeed. i know i'm not perfect. i am well aware of that. tapi mungkin ini ujian yang Allah turunkan pada aku. sebagai tanda Dia masih sayang pada aku..masih ingat pada hamba kerdil dan hina yang satu ini..

aku masih belum boleh ikhlaskan apa yang terjadi pada aku. bukan semua..aku boleh ikhlaskan banyak perkara. aku boleh lepaskan apa saja. tapi tetap. ada beberapa yang masih belum kuat untuk aku relakan. aku bersyukur atas apa yang sudah dan pernah aku miliki.

tapi,

aku tetap rasa jahatnya hati aku. tak dapat nak lepaskan kesalahan yang pernah mereka lakukan pada aku. sekelumit dendam tetap ada. aku maafkan mereka, tapi, tak pernah aku lupa. aku tak ikhlas. ya Allah..bantulah aku..

there's no such thing as a manual book of sincerity. nothing like being sincere for dummies. you know, if such books were ever existed, i still can't do it. it's back to the heart. it's the center of mind and soul.sigh.

though,

i'm not giving up. aku akan terus belajar untuk terima, redha, dan ikhlas dengan semuanya. SEMUA. baby steps. it's time consuming. maybe it'll cost me to lose people i love. but, i shall learn to accept everything happened for a reason. and i'm going to be ikhlas about it.

ya Allah..ajari aku untuk mengikhlaskan segalanya.  

Short update

Finally,i have time to indulge myself in writing and whining again.yes.i don't know if there were any of you out there who cared enough to read my blog.but well,please excuse me for i was busy all this while.. *yeah right,lola..you haven't wrote any post for almost a year!* ok,i admit,sometimes i did have time but i just didn't have the idea.writer's block!and no tonight i'm just saying hello before properly write any topic.i've been coping with medical school.and lately it's hardest ever.so pray for my success dear friends.pray hard.thanks!

Tonight,i'm too sleepy,too exhausted that my eyes can no longer sleep.i'm mentally damaged.ha.ha.so i guess a little rambling will not cause further harm to my already damaged brain.hoho.i miss my friends so much.recently,i got finally contacted 2 of my long lost friends *not that long..we lost contact a few years back* through whatsapp and i'm so happy about it.like a kid given a candy.and my housemate had given birth to a beautiful baby girl named Imtiyaz Safiyya.beautiful name too,right?and another friend of mine had given birth to a handsome baby boy named Ayyash Al Fateh.awesome huh.and my dearest and eldest Forever 21 Farhana is expecting.she is currently in Malaysia planning to give birth in our beloved country.good luck babe!

Well,that's a glimpse of what is happening in my life now.not to mention my additional 6 months of internship that was informed to us 2 weeks before our rotation finished.*actually it was yet decided until a couple of weeks back.like whatttt??* ok.that will be all for now.bonne nuit!

my last on call as a co-assistant

Internal Medicine Department

August,2013

RSUD Majalaya

hey, i'm back! guess where i am?i'm at Majalaya! never heard of that place? mestilah..tempatnya agak jauh dari kota Bandung yang megah tu..adalah dalam 2 jam bawa laju2 kat jalan yang sungguh tak tipu, tak rata..sampai sakit badan ni..adoyai..anyway, back to the story..what am i doing here? i am currently at the Department of Obstetrics & Gynaecology and i'm doing my rotation ala2 outstation la..we are given the opportunities to taste the sensation of being an independent doctor,particularly in the field regarding obstetrics. here, we will be experiencing in helping parturition (giving birth), curettage (abortion with medical indication), and so on..sounds exciting kan?so, doakan untuk saya terus bersemangat dan bertahan di sini ya kawan2.. :) oklah..dah mengantuk ni..badan pun sakit..tekak pun masih mual sebab pening dengan travel tadi..later we story2 lagi ok?bonne nuit!

guiltily pleasurable

bon soir everyone~i'm glad to be back in front of my notebook typing word by word, thinking of how to convey my feelings through my jumbling words.though..another rambling post from me tonight about my new experience working in the hospital.and please do not bother how stupid i may sound.i am learning and still coping with it.

anyway, from what i've been observing and analyzing so far,i am very much fond of this new field. my job is absolutely exciting! kalau dulu belajar skills on mannequins.now, you have to do it on a real body.a real result waits from every test you do, every question you ask will determine the fate of a patient.gosh,tell me how can i not love my job. 

however, for the past 4 weeks, i have also felt the downsides of this life. the sacrifices you have to make every now and then. how you have to fight your gastric every single day because your preceptor doesn't even care if it was lunchtime. how you have to force your eyes open until 6 o'clock in the morning because you have to observe your patient every 15 minutes, 30 minutes or every hour and your attendance for the next day full of classes and patients to follow up should be signed at 7. please tell me why can't i stop loving this job?

and of course there was this one moment, this very particular moment, i thought of hating this pure and sacred work.i nearly cursed myself for choosing this course. and it was after-rained time, i was walking back home alone with a sour face because the road was sloppy and full of mud. and i hate to stain my clothes and shoes. and suddenly there was this middle-aged man said, "selamat sore,dok~" in a cheerful and respectful way with a sincere-looking smile curved on his lips with gleaming eyes. 

i was taken aback for a while. not for the fact that a  stranger had just approached me, but for the kindness in his voice. a voice full of expectations and hopes that wished me the very best, so that i can proudly graduated from his homeland and served my country as the most honorably person should do to repay all the cooperation and helps the fellow citizens had given to us. i felt a little twitch deep in my heart. i knew, i had betrayed the faith others had in me. and i was deeply sorry for it.

next thing i knew, i was back on track. and here i am. yes.may be i'll be ranting and moaning over some small matters again. but insyaAllah..i'll never stray too far from the path. my heart, insyaAllah will not waver, though i have to face those displeasing skin disorders. *a little secret to reveal; i can't even look skin-problem-images in the dermatology books that i used to cry most of the nights when we were learning dermatomsuculoskeletal system back then*

so, yes. i'm loving my job. and i'm thanking every one for all the supports given to me in any way, shown or hidden secretly, directly or indirectly.thanks for the prayers and may you too, are showered with blessings from Him. 

till then..

p.s : i wished the stranger back and smiled.

p.p.s : Allah sent me a stranger to guide me,back to where i belong. Alhamdulillah..

post SOOCA syndrome

biasalah tu..bukan habis SOOCA je..habis OSCE..semua la..mesti nak bantai nangis.hari ni SOOCA terakhir di bumi Jainangor.dapat case family medicine: OVERWEIGHT.dah study..dah hafal tajuk2 *dan semesti bersama inti2nya* yang patut dibentang kalau dapat kes ni.dah ingatkan diri sendiri,jangan gamble,even dengar rumors yang masuk cuma last 5 cases*overweight was excluded* lepas tu saya dengan beraninya gamble untuk melepaskan kes2 tu..lepas tu bila dapat soalan..memang tercengang.haa..nasib baik tak melalak kat depan Dr, Nadjwa..mau dapat pelempang percuma.apa lagi nak tak nak, cuba remind balik..cuba korek semula apa ada dalam otak ni.. habis kepala berdenyut2..haish..

sekarang nak salahkan siapa?semua orang tak nak family medicine case sebab tu syllabus baru.tak ada guideline yang lengkap dan betul.lepas tu aku dapat family medicine case.nak salahkan siapa?pastu Adin dapat tropical medicine: acute bacterial meningitis and he got an A *congrats sayang!* and aku buat family medicine dapat C+ nak salahkan siapa?aaarrggghhh~stressed!at last i cried,disappointed with myself for not trying harder.i cried because Ibu asked me why Adin got an A and i did not even get a B?why C?*and yet she congratulated me* what a FAILURE......*crying*

padahal dah tak ada rezeki..nak buat macam mana..however...i'm very grateful indeed for passing this final SOOCA before entering my clinical years..Alhamdulillah ya Allah atas kurniaan-Mu ini. sesungguhnya aku bersyukur dan reda dengan setiap ketentuan-Mu.i know..He knows what is the best for me.and it's destined to be that this is my share of experience.dan aku reda dengan ini ya Allah..

tapi syukurlah..lulus SOOCA terakhir ni..tak perlulah nak remedial Jumaat ni..boleh focus OSCE pulak.sekarang kena sambung belajar untuk bioethics paper and public health paper pulak..

kenapa la asyik nak bukak bGG je ni??

bon soir! today i feel like writing.but i don't know what should i post up here.well,of course since my life here is not as interesting as others,there's nothing much to share.actually,i have a lot of stories,but yeah i'm lazy like a pig and everything and what not.and that's why.pfftt.

snippets of this upcoming week:

1. netball practices every evening until Wednesday.

2. the 6th and 7th case.OMG!ze finalz are juzt around ze corner~

3. next weekend will be the ultimatum of all.Bandung Games 2011!everyone is in the house people!!!

4. Adin will be having his band practices for almost everyday too.gonna miss him for a bit.;P

5. tomorrow,my group is having makan2.and Izyan is making nasi kerabu.yummaaayyyyhh!!so,i'll be bringing all the vegies.well of course,since i'm hantu sayur.hihi.

6. so tonight,me and Adin are going to Jatos to shop a bit.

7. and i'm bringing him to eat pecel lele (a type of indonesian cuisine using ikan keli) near the damri (bus stop).

so..i gotta have my shower now,or else,Adin's gonna smack me for my lateness.hee~till then.bye!

another rush..

it's quite relax for a Monday. i even had a meeting with the girls over some netball issues for the upcoming Bandung Games 2011. nope. i won't be the one handling it anymore. it's time for me to take part since it's gonna be the last time before leaving for clinical this February, insyaAllah..i'm looking forward to playing with the other girls. i miss netball. a lot. i miss the sweats, the inevitable "tanned" skin, and the aftermath. gosh..adrenaline. you know what i mean. it's my stuff baby..i haven't indulged myself for a very long time. yeah. i'm pretty sure to enjoy myself to my heart's content.

life is not a garden of flowers

hey..it's a very long hiatus for this blog eh?i'm very sorry. i was kind of on the verge of throwing everything away, including my social life.ha.ha.i'm really not into anything. though i'm pushing myself. i felt like my heart is broken and torn apart. i felt like crying, but the tears wouldn't come out.

for some unclear reason, i was secluding myself to the corner and i didn't feel like telling anybody about it. not even to him. he probably didn't realise any of these. he might be even thinking of me being childish and selfish and all the -ishhh you can list down. yeah. no need to worry since he won't read all the craps in my blog anymore. usually i'd tell him whenever i post up something on my blog. i know i'm being pushy here.well, not anymore. pretty sick of being a vain. anyway, it has been quite some times since the last time i told him to read my entry.hmm..

i was a bit frustrated when some of my dearest BFF didn't wish my birthday. *see..i was being childish again at the age of 23.for God sake, grow up lola!* i actually did not mind because i know they always remember me and they actually had circumstances they needed to settle.and yet the sadness really crushed my heart.it was loneliness. i knew it. sorry dears..i was being such a pain in the ass. and i'm so sick of my childishness. please bear with me.

this is the end of me. i'm searching for a better me.wish me luck.

p.s : a little attention would do.

diet

dulu memang on diet.
sebab terasa berat badan bila naik tangga.
tapi sekarang dah jadi kelaziman.
dah 4 bulan tak makan nasi.
dah puasa ni pun,
masih tak teringin nak jamah nasi.
tak apalah..
anggap saja puasa nasi.
nanti raya dah tak puasa,
buka puasa nasi sekali.
boleh kan?
janji senang hati.
=)



p/s: i'm not fat.
and i'm not skinny.
it's my body.
i know which part that 
i have to tone it up or down.


p.p/s: i'm a little tired.
tak larat nak tulis panjang2.
sorry..

in silence

writer's block syndrome?
perhaps.
can't even write a single decent sentence.
KKN had really turned me into a zombie.
cool.

it's like i live in a different age of time.
not in the same dimension.
left out.
GILA punya!
ha.ha.ha.

i don't even have the slightest chance to breathe evenly.
banyak gila complaint!
pergi buat kerja.
NOW!

ok.ttyl.bye!

p/s: sorry for the nagging.

i know i have promised no more grunting..

and throwing tantrums here.

am learning to embrace the beauty of life.

sila beri tunjuk ajar.=)

Kuliah Kerja Nyata

won't be around for a month.
will be serving the community at rural area in Tasikmalaya.
hope everything will be fine.
hope i can enjoy this community service.
pray hard for me.
do miss me eh?
;P




p/s: will be listening to nora elena's OSTs along the way.

p.p/s: it's gonna be a bumpy and spinning-head road tomorrow.wish me luck!

chicken

kenapalah aku jadi pengecut gila tadi.haish

beaching..bukan bitc*ing ye..

i don't even care if the word "beaching" does not even exist in webster,oxford,nor urban dictionary.but i'm so in the mood to play beach sand and enjoy the moment being afloat on the water.ergo,me,Adin and a couple of friends will be heading towards Pangandaran beach tonight,hoping that we could reach there just before the sunrise =).

kitorang memang pakat redah je ni..baru la adventure kan..maklumlah,busy memanjang.tambah pulak aku ni adrenaline junkie.terpaksalah layan kerenah aku..huhu.*lepas tu Adin yang penat drive,since he doesn't trust me to drive in this country,just yet..sorry dear ;P*

please pray for our safety back and forth okay?wish you bloggers a nice weekend ahead! ;)


p/s: happy 23rd 6th day my love!

busy bee?busy QUEEN bee

yup.that's me!bonjour everyone~it's a lovely morning to start with.and i am stealing a couple of minutes from my precious time, since i am in an absolute busy period of the semester, just to share some thoughts with you guys.a couple of minutes la sangat kan.hehe.

anyway,i never thought that being a 3rd year medical student would be as busy as this.i mean with UTS (Ujian Tengah Semester) in less than two weeks, having MAISEN'11 next week with me as Ketua Biro Acara & Protokol, and Olymphiart'11 next month with me handling the cosplay contestants from KPBI students, to add up my madness,minor thesis title has to be submitted this coming Monday if i plan to use my own title.*though actually Dr. Lulu is the one who suggested me the title ;P.since she rejected my original title.sedih :(*and i haven't contact Dr.Gaga to consult Bagian Nutrisi over the title.

tambah lagi dah lama tak call ibu.and ibu pun busy and tak call me,so i'm a bit depressed with the fact that i dah lama tak borak with my own mom.apatah lagi adik-beradik.hailoh.dah la setengah tahun tak balik.orang lain dah berkali2 balik Malaysia.tak apalah..ini semua sementara.

nak menangis pun tak sempat sebab takut buang masa.hahaha.kelakar.sini jela tempat nak melepas perasaan.=)

ok.a couple of minutes dah lama berlalu.rasa dah macam a couple of hours.wasted.adoyai~next time kita share lagi ok?*as bubbly as ever*

till next time,with lots and lots of love..au revoir!

it's just me

i won't lose to anybody.
i know i don't always win.
being the third child in family.
being a daughter seemed not enough to dad.
being a girl always invited sneers and jeers from the brothers.
so i fought them.
and i'm still fighting.
alhamdulillah,for the time being..
i'm winning.

i won't lose to anybody.
i know i don't always win.
consistently holding the second place.
never got passed my own best friend.
and i kept on trying.
Alhamdulillah,5A's were in grasp.

i won't lose to anybody.
i know i don't always win.
waiting for offer letter from my dream boarding school.
had to wait for 4 months.
Alhamdulillah,i was in i-don't-know-how-many intake.
i was an stfian.

i won't lose to anybody.
i know i don't always win.
people didn't like me much.
i was new.
i should not be there.
and i couldn't care less about others.
and i fought everything with my all might.
Alhamdulillah,i won the battle.
people recognized me.
they acknowledged my presence.

i won't lose to anybody.
i know i don't always win.
i cried.a lot.
school did take its toll on me.
i did not dare to give up.
nor disappointing my mom.
so i got up and faced life once more.
Alhamdulillah,11A's was my best achievement.

i won't lose to anybody.
i know i don't always win.
patience was my best friend.
and tears were my hope
afraid was my only enemy.
waiting was a total hell.
Alhamdulillah,again i won.
India..wait for me..

i won't lose to anybody.
i know i don't always win.
drowned in my own fantasy land.
for the first time in my life i lost.
i never knew how to bounce back.
i lost my chance to fly off to India.
it was my own mistake.

i won't lose to anybody.
i know i don't always win.
so i kept on fighting.
and i was still crying.
i kept on walking.
i kept on living.
and i kept on breathing.
not for my own sake.
but for my mom's.

i won't lose to anybody.
i know i don't always win.
finally everything had been paid.
i was on the track back.
here i am.
pursuing my very dream.

i won't lose to anybody.
i know i don't always win.
suffocating.suffering.
nothing can pull me back.
yes i know my attainment aren't glorious.
but i'm proud of myself.
for pushing the limit.
for bearing with every pain.
for never giving up.
Alhamdulillah..

so let me be clear..
i know i don't always win.
but i won't lose to anybody.
and not even to you.

no doubt..i absolutely agree with her..

"I think it would be nice to be able to wear extravagant hats, and gloves, and all these extravagant clothes and not be on the street and not be mocked for it or questioned why...If you wear a fantastic hat during the day in the street, people say 'where are you going?why are you dressed like that?'and it's maybe the most annoying questions in the world.Why do we have to have a reason to dress up or to be glamorous or to have fun?Why do we have to have a reason for it?I hate it when people ask me why.Why not?"

-Dita Von Teese-

tora datang lagi!!~

ok.tiada motif sungguh tajuk entry ni.hehe.sorry peeps.it's just that recently,a thought has often crossed my mind.i want to be "in the underground" for sometime.back off from everything.it's kind of lame and stupid.but i really don't know why.sigh.but,i can't.the purpose i come back to this net world is that my friends want me to.seriously,i've made an FB account just for the sake of a friend of mine that asked me to do so.and for God sake,we (adin and me) made a joint account!gila pemalas kan?i love pretty pictures,so i've made a tumblr account.i have the urgency to write my feelings,or else i'll die,so i blog them.i need to babble stupid things from time to time,so i made a twitter account.formspring la,apa laa lagi..sigh again.

why can't i deactivate all of my social network accounts:

1- from time to time,my friends come to bandung.they need my help in accommodation etc.
2- i love to see happy faces of my friends.
3- i need to know about my friends' updates.
4- some of my family members already have FB accounts.i don't want to answer their "WHYs"
5- i love reading my friends' updates.at least i know how they feel.

and the list goes on and on..so all i can do is to be silent.just looking at the pictures without commenting.sometimes i'd give comments but just as a reminder to my friends that i'm still alive.i'm happy in my own tiny world,surrounded by strangers here.but i'm a lot happier to see my friends' smiles.looking good in pretty dresses during summer.have a vacation with bf on a star cruise.go travel around europe.make a snowman during winter.i'm honestly happy to see them with their new friends,albeit sometimes i envied those new friends cause it was me who once with them.but i'm cool with that.because we grow up.meet new people around the world.see beautiful places.talk different languages.we live our life.and i'm living mine to the extent that i don't want to regret when i'm,like what,69.i don't wanna say i wish i did this and i went there or i tasted that.i wanna feel satisfied.life is all about satisfaction.am i right?

tika tersungkur menyembah bumi

resah dalam hati yang terpendam..

kosongnya jiwa yang terasa..

kembalikan aku kepada aku yang dulu!

lagi adrenalin!

has anyone been to bali?

=)