Letter for Arman El Kamil

 Dearest gentle readers,

Today is my firstborn's 8th birthday. Happy birthday Arman El Kamil!

You are my son, my beloved firstborn. I know I haven't been the best mommy and yet you still love me. Thank you for being my son. You made me a mother. All of your firsts are mine too. Mommy is always proud of you my dear. No matter what, I always love you. It may seem I'm a little harsh towards you, but please bare with me.. One day you I hope you will understand that I have been meaning well and hoping the best for you and nothing else. 

I pray that you will be protected from any harm, physically, emotionally, and socially too! You have been always showing the tough side (stubbornness from me I think) but I know deep down, you are as soft-hearted as your daddy. 

To be honest, I don't know why, I do see you like the little me. And I meant to make sure that you get what I never got, and the better of them! It's not right to have this idea, I don't know. I'm sorry, but, believe me, this is for your own good, darling. May Allah guide me to be the best mother for you and your siblings. I have so many things to tell you. I hope to tell you later. 

I love you, Son..let's make this short. 

Again. 

Happy birthday Arman El Kamil!

Arman El Kamil

 

A self-reminder

 Assalamualaikum dearest gentle readers, gaya Lady Whistledown from the Bridgerton series versi muslimah, LOL. okay, from the top.

Assalamualaikum dearest gentle readers,

I have been feeling unsettling for the past few weeks. But, this week I cannot afford to dawdle here and there as I have so many things my plate at the moment, especially for my office job.

I have few teaching sessions, and I as the teacher (can you imagine, me?ha.ha) for MASTER students. gosh. what an honour. Well, of course, I will be doing sharing sessions on information that I know and hope to give insights for them to familiarize with in future. A journal presentation, this was annual thing for all officers here. While I was in clinical field, we did have this as well. So, not much difference. And a meeting with the big boss, my head of institute regarding our upcoming roadshow programme to introduce and promote our guideline, will tell the story about this later.

ohh.. so much to ramble and I almost missed the point. Anyway, so this unsettling feeling has been tugging in my heart for some period of time. I keep on thinking about life & death. Alhamdulillah it is a major reminder for myself that life is so short, and I have to strive for the Afterlife as well. I felt so down to the point that I think my time will come soon. Scary. Betul la tu.. kita kena takut dengan kematian. Terima kasih ya Allah atas peringatan ini. 

This morning I listened to a nasheed. The song describes on death, what happens after your passing, the terrifying feeling upon waiting the Malaikat Munkar & Nakir to come and ask you the very 3 questions we have been hearing all our life. And it reminds me on my sorrow howling cry during Amad passing, hoping my dear brother dipermudahkan urusannya di Alam Kubur.. Allahummafirlahu warhamhu waafihi wafuanhu.. Al-Fatihah untuk Muhammad Nur Zein.

Indeed, it's a reminder for me to never forget that death is nearest to us. So, I am telling myself to get back up, become the better me, fight for this life untuk mengejar keredhaan Allah..

A reminder for all you too. 

Hello, after a decade.

 Well, hello!

After 10 years. Should I recap everything that happened since the last decade?Let's make it a quick one.

Did me and Addin get married? Alhamdulillah. It has been 9 years. We are parents of 3 beautiful children now.

Did we survive housemanship? Alhamdulillah, lowest pit in our career history but we managed to get through. Still at Year 10 serving the public sector. 

I guess this is somehow a trial post. May I have a secret place to continue ranting. 😋 

See you when I see you!

Lari

Masa..
Cepat kau berlari
Meninggalkan aku
Tak toleh lagi
Jauh kau pergi

Waktu..
Lekas kau berlalu
Tak kuat aku mengejar
Lutut kaki bergetar
Lesu langkah mencarimu

Aku tahu..
Kau takkan kembali
Kedut mukaku tak tegang lagi
Kudrat empat kerat hari ini
Tak segagah semalam, sewaja besi

Lantas..
Pinjamkan aku
Sedikit sisa detikmu
Biar sempat aku berteleku
Memanjat doa
Memohon ampun dariMu..

Amr Diab

i learn to listen to arabic songs since 2000. the moment i first heard his beautiful voice, i just couldn't stop myself from replaying his Tamally Maak..beautiful song, it is.gosh.though i did not understand a word from the song, but i still could feel the love that he tried to convey through the song. menusuk kalbu. actually i still listen to that one song untill now.13 years.OMG.

and i actually never looked up for him, until now. sorry for being ignorant. anyhow hey, it's his birthday! Happy Birthday Amr Diab! may Allah bless you with all happiness in the world! no wonder i just couldn't stop listening to his golden voice. he's the King of Middle East!in music world, of course.fun fact there.

ok la. that's all for now.till then~

ikhlaskanlah wahai siti khadijah..

Hi..i'm in need of scribbling something.in need of a little ranting and raving about..

IKHLAS.

tampak kecil. terdengar mudah. dipandang remeh.

tak dianggap.

senang kita nak sebut,

"kau ikhlaskan je duit yang dah hilang tu..tak ada rezeki.."

"saya ikhlas nak kawan dengan awak..saya sungguh-sungguh ikhlas ni.."

tapi ikhlaskah kamu?ikhlaskah dia?orang cakap ikhlas ni tak perlu beritahu, kalau sibuk dikhabar, dicanang,itu tak ikhlas.betul ke?kalau macam tu, macam mana nak tahu orang tu ikhlas atau tidak? boleh..daripada perbuatan dia je,kita boleh nampak..tapi adakah sejernih itu niat orang yang bisa kita baca?

dan,

macam mana nak ikhlaskan hati kita untuk sesuatu yang memang hati kita tahu, tak boleh nak lepaskan, tak boleh nak fahamkan akal fikiran kita yang sesuatu itu, bukan untuk kita, tapi sesungguhnya hak yang tercipta itu seharusnya diberikan pada kita?

tidak redhakah aku atas takdirNya?derhakakah aku pada Sang Pencipta dengan qada' dan qadarnya?Jahanamkah pengakhiranku nanti?

i'm so confused. i know i'm a good girl. ok. i'm trying to be one. trying very hard, indeed. i know i'm not perfect. i am well aware of that. tapi mungkin ini ujian yang Allah turunkan pada aku. sebagai tanda Dia masih sayang pada aku..masih ingat pada hamba kerdil dan hina yang satu ini..

aku masih belum boleh ikhlaskan apa yang terjadi pada aku. bukan semua..aku boleh ikhlaskan banyak perkara. aku boleh lepaskan apa saja. tapi tetap. ada beberapa yang masih belum kuat untuk aku relakan. aku bersyukur atas apa yang sudah dan pernah aku miliki.

tapi,

aku tetap rasa jahatnya hati aku. tak dapat nak lepaskan kesalahan yang pernah mereka lakukan pada aku. sekelumit dendam tetap ada. aku maafkan mereka, tapi, tak pernah aku lupa. aku tak ikhlas. ya Allah..bantulah aku..

there's no such thing as a manual book of sincerity. nothing like being sincere for dummies. you know, if such books were ever existed, i still can't do it. it's back to the heart. it's the center of mind and soul.sigh.

though,

i'm not giving up. aku akan terus belajar untuk terima, redha, dan ikhlas dengan semuanya. SEMUA. baby steps. it's time consuming. maybe it'll cost me to lose people i love. but, i shall learn to accept everything happened for a reason. and i'm going to be ikhlas about it.

ya Allah..ajari aku untuk mengikhlaskan segalanya.  

6th day

Hey you,it's 6th day!
How time flies.
My love for you is deeper than before.
And i'm sure yours too will never die.
So, let's celebrate another step towards future
And pray that we are given the strength,
To face this world together,hand in hand.
Cause no matter what,with you by my side
Everything will be alright.
I love you.

Istana Ratu Boko, Jogjakarta

August,2013

Short update

Finally,i have time to indulge myself in writing and whining again.yes.i don't know if there were any of you out there who cared enough to read my blog.but well,please excuse me for i was busy all this while.. *yeah right,lola..you haven't wrote any post for almost a year!* ok,i admit,sometimes i did have time but i just didn't have the idea.writer's block!and no tonight i'm just saying hello before properly write any topic.i've been coping with medical school.and lately it's hardest ever.so pray for my success dear friends.pray hard.thanks!

Tonight,i'm too sleepy,too exhausted that my eyes can no longer sleep.i'm mentally damaged.ha.ha.so i guess a little rambling will not cause further harm to my already damaged brain.hoho.i miss my friends so much.recently,i got finally contacted 2 of my long lost friends *not that long..we lost contact a few years back* through whatsapp and i'm so happy about it.like a kid given a candy.and my housemate had given birth to a beautiful baby girl named Imtiyaz Safiyya.beautiful name too,right?and another friend of mine had given birth to a handsome baby boy named Ayyash Al Fateh.awesome huh.and my dearest and eldest Forever 21 Farhana is expecting.she is currently in Malaysia planning to give birth in our beloved country.good luck babe!

Well,that's a glimpse of what is happening in my life now.not to mention my additional 6 months of internship that was informed to us 2 weeks before our rotation finished.*actually it was yet decided until a couple of weeks back.like whatttt??* ok.that will be all for now.bonne nuit!

my last on call as a co-assistant

Internal Medicine Department

August,2013

RSUD Majalaya

hey, i'm back! guess where i am?i'm at Majalaya! never heard of that place? mestilah..tempatnya agak jauh dari kota Bandung yang megah tu..adalah dalam 2 jam bawa laju2 kat jalan yang sungguh tak tipu, tak rata..sampai sakit badan ni..adoyai..anyway, back to the story..what am i doing here? i am currently at the Department of Obstetrics & Gynaecology and i'm doing my rotation ala2 outstation la..we are given the opportunities to taste the sensation of being an independent doctor,particularly in the field regarding obstetrics. here, we will be experiencing in helping parturition (giving birth), curettage (abortion with medical indication), and so on..sounds exciting kan?so, doakan untuk saya terus bersemangat dan bertahan di sini ya kawan2.. :) oklah..dah mengantuk ni..badan pun sakit..tekak pun masih mual sebab pening dengan travel tadi..later we story2 lagi ok?bonne nuit!

Maybe i just think too much?

Bonjour!hey..there's something going on today but i don't have any clue what is it all about.i feel burdened and i don't know why.i woke up in the morning with a feeling of laziness.but Adin has cheered me up a bit though.at this moment,when everyone else is lost in their own world,i'm suffocating inside.i need to do something to soothe my mind.

away.again.

i'm sorry.it has been almost 6 months..but i have yet found the time to sit and share my story with you.i miss this place.the only place where i can be myself, where i can let myself loose without being bothered with those scrutinizing eyes. i shall be back, writing to my heart's content. i shall do..

low back pain

Happy Anniversary Addin Lollaby!

we might be fighting over unimportant matters

but we love each other

i might cause you upset

and you might make me enraged

but we love each other

in a blink of eye

it has been three years 

and we still love each other

adapting with each other

learning the kindness and tenderness

accepting the flaws and shortcomings

let's forget all the reasons that make our relationship won't work

and focus on every single reason that make it will work

because i love you and you love me too

happy 6th day & happy 3rd anniversary, my love..

i've fallen for you..i always do :)

damn. demam heartstrings pulak i sekarang ni. ada satu pengakuan which may sound like the utmost narcissistic confession ever done in my entire life.hahaha.lantak korang nak kata i perasan ke apa ke. ada i peduli? ;P

kenal tak manusia sebelah kiri tu?laa..itu kan i..you all tak kenal ke?.haha.sumpah perasan lagi pembohong.sorry la ye..gurau2 je..hehe.sebenarnya nak tanya kenal tak yang sebelah kanan tu?dialah jung yong hwa..member of CN Blue, kumpulan Korea yang famous tu..*kenal dia pun sebab dia join Running Man a couple of times and he was amazing!* the reason i suddenly cerita pasal dia adalah.....................

pada satu hari, i pergi kedai gambar sebab faculty mintak gambar sekian keping dengan ukuran sekian2..bila i dapat gambar i, i rasa pelik sangat sebab muka x macam muka i langsung. i nearly tak mengaku tu muka i.hahaha..nak dijadikan cerita, baru2 ni i tengoklah drama heartstrings ni..and i tiba2 dengan perasaan PERASAN yang hebat merasakan muka i macam muka yong hwa dalam drama ni.*sila ketawa sekarang.*hahahahahaha~ok,i don't even know where did i get that idea from, mungkin saja imaginasi i ni melampau hingga menimbulkan ilusi tanpa menimbulkan halusinasi. oleh kerana kemungkinan ini adalah delusi  i sebagai sibling yong hwa yang dapat disangkal dengan kewujudan surat beranak i yang berasal dari Malaysia, itu hanya dianggap sebagai idea..ok.fed up cakap bahasa psychiatry. you all layan je la i malam ni ye.sumpah mengantuk tapi bosan. hehe. anyway, if you all rasa tak ada persamaan..tak apalah..mata masing2 kan? ;)

p.s: yaa,jung yong hwa! uri olgureun dongil! ottoke? ;P

p.p.s: to Mr. Addin Kamil, try la main gitar lagu dalam video tu..dedicate lagu ni untuk kamu..*blush blush*

fragile heart

more than often
but not always
when my heart becomes fragile
i need to cry
urged to shed my precious tears
because my heart aches so much.

more than seldom
but less than sometimes
my heart is broken into pieces
but to put them back together,
seems like there's not even a single try.

when i push myself
trying to heal the scarring heart
is always like an unfinished dream
a movie with no ending.

though..
more than forever
longer than eternity
and this is my vow
to keep our promise.

guiltily pleasurable

bon soir everyone~i'm glad to be back in front of my notebook typing word by word, thinking of how to convey my feelings through my jumbling words.though..another rambling post from me tonight about my new experience working in the hospital.and please do not bother how stupid i may sound.i am learning and still coping with it.

anyway, from what i've been observing and analyzing so far,i am very much fond of this new field. my job is absolutely exciting! kalau dulu belajar skills on mannequins.now, you have to do it on a real body.a real result waits from every test you do, every question you ask will determine the fate of a patient.gosh,tell me how can i not love my job. 

however, for the past 4 weeks, i have also felt the downsides of this life. the sacrifices you have to make every now and then. how you have to fight your gastric every single day because your preceptor doesn't even care if it was lunchtime. how you have to force your eyes open until 6 o'clock in the morning because you have to observe your patient every 15 minutes, 30 minutes or every hour and your attendance for the next day full of classes and patients to follow up should be signed at 7. please tell me why can't i stop loving this job?

and of course there was this one moment, this very particular moment, i thought of hating this pure and sacred work.i nearly cursed myself for choosing this course. and it was after-rained time, i was walking back home alone with a sour face because the road was sloppy and full of mud. and i hate to stain my clothes and shoes. and suddenly there was this middle-aged man said, "selamat sore,dok~" in a cheerful and respectful way with a sincere-looking smile curved on his lips with gleaming eyes. 

i was taken aback for a while. not for the fact that a  stranger had just approached me, but for the kindness in his voice. a voice full of expectations and hopes that wished me the very best, so that i can proudly graduated from his homeland and served my country as the most honorably person should do to repay all the cooperation and helps the fellow citizens had given to us. i felt a little twitch deep in my heart. i knew, i had betrayed the faith others had in me. and i was deeply sorry for it.

next thing i knew, i was back on track. and here i am. yes.may be i'll be ranting and moaning over some small matters again. but insyaAllah..i'll never stray too far from the path. my heart, insyaAllah will not waver, though i have to face those displeasing skin disorders. *a little secret to reveal; i can't even look skin-problem-images in the dermatology books that i used to cry most of the nights when we were learning dermatomsuculoskeletal system back then*

so, yes. i'm loving my job. and i'm thanking every one for all the supports given to me in any way, shown or hidden secretly, directly or indirectly.thanks for the prayers and may you too, are showered with blessings from Him. 

till then..

p.s : i wished the stranger back and smiled.

p.p.s : Allah sent me a stranger to guide me,back to where i belong. Alhamdulillah..

mode:jealous

do you smile like that when you were on the phone talking to me?

happy vs. hectic

chipsmore

hi!i'm sorry for the long silence..my new hustle and bustle life as a co-assistant in Hasan Sadikin Hospital had prohibited me from getting in touch with my beloved blog. surprisingly, i have survived and i am barely alive. adapting to the new surroundings so that i won't be getting any embarrassing moments of having what the society has been calling culture-shock. it's literally hard and taking its toll on me. i think i'm starting to see *imagining and hallucinating* wrinkles at the edge of my eyes. eye bags do not bother me as much as i did before. weary but i'm enjoying my new life. i have learned so much and yet there are plenty more of nature-wonders to be discovered every single day!so many things are done differently and i appreciate every element of diversity in this institution. hell yeah, i love my job! i want to share more of these..but i guess i'll do that some other time.





may Allah hold my heart and lead me the way to attain His blessings..

두근 두근

wow!finally!the last exam for the semester!*excluding the remedial papers of course,wish i don't have to take those papers*this morning i had my minor thesis seminar..and i have a good feeling about getting an A for it since i don't know the real marks cause they only told me that i've passed it,and what amused me was the remark of "passed with a quite good mark" haha~Dr. Agnes is so cute.

i'd like to convey my special gratitude to all doctors present today.especially Dr. Usep..thanks for not asking anything.haha.and thanks to Dr. Agung for volunteering yourself to become my additional examiner..tak pasal2 aku dapat 4 examiners..semua orang ada 3 je kot..gila..so tolong bagi markah cantik2 sikit ye..thanks to Dr. Adhi, Dr, Sadeli and of course Dr. Agnes.for Dr. Ongka, good luck for your thesis.i pray that you'll get an A, so please give me one too ok?hee..

now,it's gonna be a little more busy week for me..shall do the final revision and submit all 6 books to the faculty. pack up all the things into big boxes and here we go again,moving to a new place.a new home.a new life.Bandung,here i come!graduation?ohh, that has been postponed to May..so,let's just hope there'll be no more last minute changes.*wink*