Letter for Arman El Kamil

 Dearest gentle readers,

Today is my firstborn's 8th birthday. Happy birthday Arman El Kamil!

You are my son, my beloved firstborn. I know I haven't been the best mommy and yet you still love me. Thank you for being my son. You made me a mother. All of your firsts are mine too. Mommy is always proud of you my dear. No matter what, I always love you. It may seem I'm a little harsh towards you, but please bare with me.. One day you I hope you will understand that I have been meaning well and hoping the best for you and nothing else. 

I pray that you will be protected from any harm, physically, emotionally, and socially too! You have been always showing the tough side (stubbornness from me I think) but I know deep down, you are as soft-hearted as your daddy. 

To be honest, I don't know why, I do see you like the little me. And I meant to make sure that you get what I never got, and the better of them! It's not right to have this idea, I don't know. I'm sorry, but, believe me, this is for your own good, darling. May Allah guide me to be the best mother for you and your siblings. I have so many things to tell you. I hope to tell you later. 

I love you, Son..let's make this short. 

Again. 

Happy birthday Arman El Kamil!

Arman El Kamil

 

A self-reminder

 Assalamualaikum dearest gentle readers, gaya Lady Whistledown from the Bridgerton series versi muslimah, LOL. okay, from the top.

Assalamualaikum dearest gentle readers,

I have been feeling unsettling for the past few weeks. But, this week I cannot afford to dawdle here and there as I have so many things my plate at the moment, especially for my office job.

I have few teaching sessions, and I as the teacher (can you imagine, me?ha.ha) for MASTER students. gosh. what an honour. Well, of course, I will be doing sharing sessions on information that I know and hope to give insights for them to familiarize with in future. A journal presentation, this was annual thing for all officers here. While I was in clinical field, we did have this as well. So, not much difference. And a meeting with the big boss, my head of institute regarding our upcoming roadshow programme to introduce and promote our guideline, will tell the story about this later.

ohh.. so much to ramble and I almost missed the point. Anyway, so this unsettling feeling has been tugging in my heart for some period of time. I keep on thinking about life & death. Alhamdulillah it is a major reminder for myself that life is so short, and I have to strive for the Afterlife as well. I felt so down to the point that I think my time will come soon. Scary. Betul la tu.. kita kena takut dengan kematian. Terima kasih ya Allah atas peringatan ini. 

This morning I listened to a nasheed. The song describes on death, what happens after your passing, the terrifying feeling upon waiting the Malaikat Munkar & Nakir to come and ask you the very 3 questions we have been hearing all our life. And it reminds me on my sorrow howling cry during Amad passing, hoping my dear brother dipermudahkan urusannya di Alam Kubur.. Allahummafirlahu warhamhu waafihi wafuanhu.. Al-Fatihah untuk Muhammad Nur Zein.

Indeed, it's a reminder for me to never forget that death is nearest to us. So, I am telling myself to get back up, become the better me, fight for this life untuk mengejar keredhaan Allah..

A reminder for all you too. 

Hello, after a decade.

 Well, hello!

After 10 years. Should I recap everything that happened since the last decade?Let's make it a quick one.

Did me and Addin get married? Alhamdulillah. It has been 9 years. We are parents of 3 beautiful children now.

Did we survive housemanship? Alhamdulillah, lowest pit in our career history but we managed to get through. Still at Year 10 serving the public sector. 

I guess this is somehow a trial post. May I have a secret place to continue ranting. 😋 

See you when I see you!

Lari

Masa..
Cepat kau berlari
Meninggalkan aku
Tak toleh lagi
Jauh kau pergi

Waktu..
Lekas kau berlalu
Tak kuat aku mengejar
Lutut kaki bergetar
Lesu langkah mencarimu

Aku tahu..
Kau takkan kembali
Kedut mukaku tak tegang lagi
Kudrat empat kerat hari ini
Tak segagah semalam, sewaja besi

Lantas..
Pinjamkan aku
Sedikit sisa detikmu
Biar sempat aku berteleku
Memanjat doa
Memohon ampun dariMu..

Amr Diab

i learn to listen to arabic songs since 2000. the moment i first heard his beautiful voice, i just couldn't stop myself from replaying his Tamally Maak..beautiful song, it is.gosh.though i did not understand a word from the song, but i still could feel the love that he tried to convey through the song. menusuk kalbu. actually i still listen to that one song untill now.13 years.OMG.

and i actually never looked up for him, until now. sorry for being ignorant. anyhow hey, it's his birthday! Happy Birthday Amr Diab! may Allah bless you with all happiness in the world! no wonder i just couldn't stop listening to his golden voice. he's the King of Middle East!in music world, of course.fun fact there.

ok la. that's all for now.till then~

ikhlaskanlah wahai siti khadijah..

Hi..i'm in need of scribbling something.in need of a little ranting and raving about..

IKHLAS.

tampak kecil. terdengar mudah. dipandang remeh.

tak dianggap.

senang kita nak sebut,

"kau ikhlaskan je duit yang dah hilang tu..tak ada rezeki.."

"saya ikhlas nak kawan dengan awak..saya sungguh-sungguh ikhlas ni.."

tapi ikhlaskah kamu?ikhlaskah dia?orang cakap ikhlas ni tak perlu beritahu, kalau sibuk dikhabar, dicanang,itu tak ikhlas.betul ke?kalau macam tu, macam mana nak tahu orang tu ikhlas atau tidak? boleh..daripada perbuatan dia je,kita boleh nampak..tapi adakah sejernih itu niat orang yang bisa kita baca?

dan,

macam mana nak ikhlaskan hati kita untuk sesuatu yang memang hati kita tahu, tak boleh nak lepaskan, tak boleh nak fahamkan akal fikiran kita yang sesuatu itu, bukan untuk kita, tapi sesungguhnya hak yang tercipta itu seharusnya diberikan pada kita?

tidak redhakah aku atas takdirNya?derhakakah aku pada Sang Pencipta dengan qada' dan qadarnya?Jahanamkah pengakhiranku nanti?

i'm so confused. i know i'm a good girl. ok. i'm trying to be one. trying very hard, indeed. i know i'm not perfect. i am well aware of that. tapi mungkin ini ujian yang Allah turunkan pada aku. sebagai tanda Dia masih sayang pada aku..masih ingat pada hamba kerdil dan hina yang satu ini..

aku masih belum boleh ikhlaskan apa yang terjadi pada aku. bukan semua..aku boleh ikhlaskan banyak perkara. aku boleh lepaskan apa saja. tapi tetap. ada beberapa yang masih belum kuat untuk aku relakan. aku bersyukur atas apa yang sudah dan pernah aku miliki.

tapi,

aku tetap rasa jahatnya hati aku. tak dapat nak lepaskan kesalahan yang pernah mereka lakukan pada aku. sekelumit dendam tetap ada. aku maafkan mereka, tapi, tak pernah aku lupa. aku tak ikhlas. ya Allah..bantulah aku..

there's no such thing as a manual book of sincerity. nothing like being sincere for dummies. you know, if such books were ever existed, i still can't do it. it's back to the heart. it's the center of mind and soul.sigh.

though,

i'm not giving up. aku akan terus belajar untuk terima, redha, dan ikhlas dengan semuanya. SEMUA. baby steps. it's time consuming. maybe it'll cost me to lose people i love. but, i shall learn to accept everything happened for a reason. and i'm going to be ikhlas about it.

ya Allah..ajari aku untuk mengikhlaskan segalanya.  

6th day

Hey you,it's 6th day!
How time flies.
My love for you is deeper than before.
And i'm sure yours too will never die.
So, let's celebrate another step towards future
And pray that we are given the strength,
To face this world together,hand in hand.
Cause no matter what,with you by my side
Everything will be alright.
I love you.

Istana Ratu Boko, Jogjakarta

August,2013

Short update

Finally,i have time to indulge myself in writing and whining again.yes.i don't know if there were any of you out there who cared enough to read my blog.but well,please excuse me for i was busy all this while.. *yeah right,lola..you haven't wrote any post for almost a year!* ok,i admit,sometimes i did have time but i just didn't have the idea.writer's block!and no tonight i'm just saying hello before properly write any topic.i've been coping with medical school.and lately it's hardest ever.so pray for my success dear friends.pray hard.thanks!

Tonight,i'm too sleepy,too exhausted that my eyes can no longer sleep.i'm mentally damaged.ha.ha.so i guess a little rambling will not cause further harm to my already damaged brain.hoho.i miss my friends so much.recently,i got finally contacted 2 of my long lost friends *not that long..we lost contact a few years back* through whatsapp and i'm so happy about it.like a kid given a candy.and my housemate had given birth to a beautiful baby girl named Imtiyaz Safiyya.beautiful name too,right?and another friend of mine had given birth to a handsome baby boy named Ayyash Al Fateh.awesome huh.and my dearest and eldest Forever 21 Farhana is expecting.she is currently in Malaysia planning to give birth in our beloved country.good luck babe!

Well,that's a glimpse of what is happening in my life now.not to mention my additional 6 months of internship that was informed to us 2 weeks before our rotation finished.*actually it was yet decided until a couple of weeks back.like whatttt??* ok.that will be all for now.bonne nuit!

my last on call as a co-assistant

Internal Medicine Department

August,2013

RSUD Majalaya

hey, i'm back! guess where i am?i'm at Majalaya! never heard of that place? mestilah..tempatnya agak jauh dari kota Bandung yang megah tu..adalah dalam 2 jam bawa laju2 kat jalan yang sungguh tak tipu, tak rata..sampai sakit badan ni..adoyai..anyway, back to the story..what am i doing here? i am currently at the Department of Obstetrics & Gynaecology and i'm doing my rotation ala2 outstation la..we are given the opportunities to taste the sensation of being an independent doctor,particularly in the field regarding obstetrics. here, we will be experiencing in helping parturition (giving birth), curettage (abortion with medical indication), and so on..sounds exciting kan?so, doakan untuk saya terus bersemangat dan bertahan di sini ya kawan2.. :) oklah..dah mengantuk ni..badan pun sakit..tekak pun masih mual sebab pening dengan travel tadi..later we story2 lagi ok?bonne nuit!

Maybe i just think too much?

Bonjour!hey..there's something going on today but i don't have any clue what is it all about.i feel burdened and i don't know why.i woke up in the morning with a feeling of laziness.but Adin has cheered me up a bit though.at this moment,when everyone else is lost in their own world,i'm suffocating inside.i need to do something to soothe my mind.